Never the Twain (1981)
- Genre: Comedy
- Creator: Johnnie Mortimer
- First Air Date: 1981-09-07
- Last Air Date: 1991-10-09
- Total Seasons: 11
- Total Episodes: 67
- Status: Ended
- Episode Runtime: 30 min.
- Networks: ITV1
Never the Twain is a British sitcom that ran for eleven series from 7 September 1981 to 9 October 1991. It was created by Johnnie Mortimer, and was the only sitcom he ever created without his usual writing partner, Brian Cooke. Mortimer wrote the entirety of the first two series and four episodes out of six of the eighth, with the rest being mainly written by Vince Powell and John Kane. It starred Windsor Davies and Donald Sinden as rival antique dealers, and also starred Derek Deadman, Zara Nutley, Robin Kermode, Tacy Kneale, Julia Watson, Honor Blackman, Teddy Turner and Maria Charles. The title is taken from the Rudyard Kipling poem; The Ballad of East and West.
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| Title | Air Date | Duration | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Season 1 | Episode 1 | Families at War | 1981-09-07 | 30 min |
| Season 1 | Episode 2 | Of Meissen Men | 1981-09-14 | 30 min |
| Season 1 | Episode 3 | A Night at the Opera | 1981-09-21 | 30 min |
| Season 1 | Episode 4 | A Matched Pair | 1981-09-28 | 30 min |
| Season 1 | Episode 5 | Nothing But the Truth | 1981-10-05 | 30 min |
| Season 1 | Episode 6 | Father of the Groom | 1981-10-19 | 30 min |
| Season 2 | Episode 1 | Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed? | 1982-09-07 | 30 min |
| Season 2 | Episode 2 | As Young as You Feel | 1982-09-14 | 30 min |
| Season 2 | Episode 3 | A Woman's Place ... | 1982-09-21 | 30 min |
| Season 2 | Episode 4 | Blood Brothers | 1982-09-28 | 30 min |
| Season 2 | Episode 5 | lf You Knew Susan | 1982-10-05 | 30 min |
| Season 2 | Episode 6 | The More We Are Together | 1982-10-12 | 30 min |
| Season 3 | Episode 1 | Taking Stock | 1983-10-10 | 30 min |
| Season 3 | Episode 2 | Partners | 1983-10-17 | 30 min |
| Season 3 | Episode 3 | A Nose for Quality | 1983-10-24 | 30 min |
| Season 3 | Episode 4 | The End of the Line | 1983-10-31 | 30 min |
| Season 3 | Episode 5 | The Welsh Connection | 1983-11-07 | 30 min |
| Season 3 | Episode 6 | Not on the Same Wavelength | 1983-11-14 | 30 min |
| Season 4 | Episode 1 | A Home of Your Own | 1984-11-08 | 30 min |
| Season 4 | Episode 2 | The Royal Connection | 1984-11-15 | 30 min |
| Season 4 | Episode 3 | Words and Music | 1984-11-22 | 30 min |
| Season 4 | Episode 4 | No Flame Like an Old Flame | 1984-11-29 | 30 min |
| Season 4 | Episode 5 | Love's Neighbours' Lost | 1984-12-06 | 30 min |
| Season 4 | Episode 6 | Come Fly with Me | 1984-12-13 | 30 min |
| Season 5 | Episode 1 | In Whom We Tryst | 1986-01-08 | 30 min |
| Season 5 | Episode 2 | Going, Going, Gone | 1986-01-15 | 30 min |
| Season 5 | Episode 3 | Thicker Than Water | 1986-01-22 | 30 min |
| Season 5 | Episode 4 | Kung Who | 1986-01-29 | 30 min |
| Season 5 | Episode 5 | Reading Between the Lines | 1986-02-05 | 30 min |
| Season 5 | Episode 6 | Definitely Not Cricket | 1986-02-12 | 30 min |
| Season 6 | Episode 1 | Feed a Cold | 1987-01-15 | 30 min |
| Season 6 | Episode 2 | Going to Pot | 1987-01-22 | 30 min |
| Season 6 | Episode 3 | Love ls a Many Splendoured Thing | 1987-01-29 | 30 min |
| Season 6 | Episode 4 | A Night to Remember | 1987-02-05 | 30 min |
| Season 6 | Episode 5 | The Battle of Deveraux Dale | 1987-02-12 | 30 min |
| Season 6 | Episode 6 | Affair of the Heart | 1987-02-19 | 30 min |
| Season 7 | Episode 1 | Settled Out of Court | 1988-01-27 | 30 min |
| Season 7 | Episode 2 | The Wagers of Sin | 1988-03-03 | 30 min |
| Season 7 | Episode 3 | Betrothed, Bothered and Bewildered | 1988-02-10 | 30 min |
| Season 7 | Episode 4 | The Second Time Around | 1988-02-17 | 30 min |
| Season 7 | Episode 5 | Born to Blush Unseen | 1988-02-24 | 30 min |
| Season 7 | Episode 6 | Fasten Your Seat Belts | 1988-03-02 | 30 min |
| Season 8 | Episode 1 | Grandfathers-in-Law | 1988-10-24 | 30 min |
| Season 8 | Episode 2 | Nursery Times | 1988-10-31 | 30 min |
| Season 8 | Episode 3 | Whose Baby? | 1988-11-07 | 30 min |
| Season 8 | Episode 4 | Never Say Die | 1988-11-14 | 30 min |
| Season 8 | Episode 5 | Moving On | 1988-11-21 | 30 min |
| Season 8 | Episode 6 | It's a Long Way to Friern Barnet | 1988-11-28 | 30 min |
| Season 9 | Episode 1 | Just the Ticket | 1989-09-06 | 30 min |
| Season 9 | Episode 2 | A Point of Honour | 1989-09-13 | 30 min |
| Season 9 | Episode 3 | A New Lease of Life | 1989-09-20 | 30 min |
| Season 9 | Episode 4 | Aspects of Love | 1989-09-27 | 30 min |
| Season 9 | Episode 5 | Neighbours | 1989-10-04 | 30 min |
| Season 9 | Episode 6 | Bonjour Paris | 1989-10-11 | 30 min |
| Season 9 | Episode 7 | A Winter's Tale | 1989-12-28 | 30 min |
| Season 10 | Episode 1 | X Marks the Spot | 1990-09-05 | 30 min |
| Season 10 | Episode 2 | S.W.A.L.K. | 1990-09-12 | 30 min |
| Season 10 | Episode 3 | Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? | 1990-09-19 | 30 min |
| Season 10 | Episode 4 | Happy Holiday | 1990-09-26 | 30 min |
| Season 10 | Episode 5 | There But for the Grace of God | 1990-10-03 | 30 min |
| Season 10 | Episode 6 | A Car by Any Other Name | 1990-10-10 | 30 min |
| Season 11 | Episode 1 | Viva Espana | 1991-09-04 | 30 min |
| Season 11 | Episode 2 | The Best Laid Plans | 1991-09-11 | 30 min |
| Season 11 | Episode 3 | Born Again | 1991-09-18 | 30 min |
| Season 11 | Episode 4 | There Goes the Bride | 1991-09-25 | 30 min |
| Season 11 | Episode 5 | Two Fools and Their Money | 1991-10-02 | 30 min |
| Season 11 | Episode 6 | The First of the Queue | 1991-10-09 | 30 min |
